Holiday Survival — Picky Friends and Impossible Packages

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes*

This month, Holmes and I, a spook and an author/belly dancer, are dedicated to easing your holiday tensions. Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this season. . . .

Our reader, Ellie Ann, has a double-header for us.

  • What do you give to a picky friend who usually has snide remarks about gifts others have given her, yet she always gives you an awesome present every year so she is not to be ignored?

Christmas Gifts Kelvin Kay wikimedia

image by Kelvin Kay, wikimedia commons


What an opportunity for both of you! Clearly, she enjoys complaining more than she enjoys the gift so the best gift for her is a reason to complain. And for you? It’s a chance to clean your house.

Go through the storage closet and pick out something of your husband’s that you hate. Put it in a plastic grocery sack and tell your friend you’re so sorry, but you didn’t have time to wrap it. This way, she gets the chance to complain, and you get rid of your husband’s junk trash.


Give her the gift of distance.

  • What to do when you and your 3 yr. old love the tradition of Santa Claus, yet her little friends tell her Santa Claus isn’t real and it’s just stupid?


Tell her that Santa is the symbol for the spirit of giving, and only people with giving hearts can see him. Say it with confidence, and you’ll sound very wise and like you know something the other mommies don’t. She’ll feel special to have such a smart mommy, unlike her friends, and you’ll have the joy of playing Santa for your child.


Tell her that Santa likes some children more than others, and that’s why he brings her presents, but not her friends.

Donna Newton has a more technical question for us.

When wrapping my presents, do you think I am out of order cellotaping every inch of the paper, therefore making it almost impossible for people to open them?


Half the fun of giving gifts is unwrapping the packages so why stop there? Put that box inside another box and smother it in cello tape, as well. Then another box, and another, and so on. This is most fun when giving a pocket knife or something else that could have been used to cut through the cello tape bondage, like this perfect gift below. The recipient has the joy of unwrapping your package for at least a half an hour, and you have the joy of watching them look like a


Sounds to me like you don’t really want to give that gift. I think you may need a mild spanking to put you in the holiday spirit. Consult your sex partner immediately.

A very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

*Piper Bayard is a belly dancer from way back and a recovering attorney with a university degree or two. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children.

‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.

Bayard & Holmes blog at Bayard & Holmes. You may contact them in blog comments, on Twitter at@piperbayard, on Facebook at Piper Bayard, or by email at piperbayard@yahoo.com.

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

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